Let me put this out there. See, I'm not a writer as such. I don't use big words, I don't sound intellectual or sophisticated. I just string words together to pen down what goes in my kind of empty head and make it into something which could somewhat make sense.
_______
Have you ever wondered if you're alone?
That you're the only person with sorrows and pain? The only person who's ever been hurt? The only one with regrets? When you see people around you laughing and smiling, do you wonder if they have been hurt too? Are they unhappy, but doing a very good job at hiding it? Do they just look happy, but are drowning inside?
*
He heard screams. He heard them everyday, should've been used to by now. Rahul heard his parents fighting over something trivial yet again. He tried so hard, running from it and blocking it all out. He'd lock himself in his room, but no matter what he tried, he couldn't forget.
*
He woke up to his mother sobbing beside him. It was like his own version of a morning alarm.
"Mom, you okay?" he asked her the same question he did everyday.
"I'm sorry I woke you up, I'm okay." the same reply he got everyday.
Rahul's mother left his room for him to get ready for school. Even though he didn't have any friends, he liked school. it was his distraction. he was probably the only one who ever listened in class but studies over shouting and crying, any day. As he sat in his bus, he recalled the events of last night.
'You can't do anything right, can you?' his dad shouted.
'Maybe that's why I married you!' his mother retorted.
'For heaven's sake, Rahul's sleeping in the next room.' his Father reasoned.
'You think he doesn't know? That he can't hear us?' mom said.
'Look, we need to work it out. for his sake.' dad said.
that did it.
'WORK THIS OUT? YOU CHEATED ON ME AND I NEED TO WORK IT OUT? ARE YOU INSANE?'
"Uh excuse me? Mind if I sit here?" A voice broke Rahul's reverie. It was Niharika. She was in his class. They had never talked before, except an occasional 'Can I borrow a pen?' 'Could you pass me that?'. There didn't seem to be another empty seat in the bus and Rahul nodded his head and let her sit.
"Congrats."
"I'm sorry?" Rahul asked, confused.
"Maths UT? You topped again?" Niharika replied, feeling a bit uncomfortable.
"Thanks."
It was nothing new. Rahul always topped in Maths. He didn't have many friends and there wasn't much to do. Studying was a way to pass time.
*
People always talked to Niharika. She was friends with everyone. She tried so hard to make a conversation with the guy sitting next to her but he won't budge. When they reached the school, Niharika was glad that this awkward silence-filled journey was finally over.
*
Rahul had not felt like it at the time, but later felt guilty about not talking properly to Niharika in the bus. After much thought, he thought he'd apologise. He saw her standing alone and called her.
"Niharika! I'm sorry. I mean, I may have come off as rude, I was a bit preoccupied, but I didn't mean to..."
"It's alright, can I ask you something?" Niharika asked. Rahul nodded.
"What were you thinking about? I mean, you were crying. or, I don't know, your eyes were water-y."
how he longed to tell her! His father was cheating on his mother, his mother became an alcoholic. They fought all the time. he believed it was his fault! He wanted to tell her he couldn't take it anymore, the guilt. He wanted to tell her about the suicide note he had once written but couldn't through with it. how it had made him feel like a coward, not being able to do the one thing he could to rid his parents of all their problems.
"Oh nothing, just the chemistry test next week." he said instead.
"Liar." Niharika said, and walked off.
Rahul thought about Niharika. She was the first person who had cared enough to ask. He thought of what he had heard about her, that she was sweet and considerate. He didn't know what had prompted him, but he decided to tell her.
*
Niharika was happily gazing out the window of the schoolbus when Rahul suddenly came upto her.
"I lied." Rahul quickly said.
"I figured."
"You need to promise me you won't tell anyone about it.and the last thing I want is pity, okay? I just need to get it off my chest." Rahul said with a strained expression, as if thinking about it hurt him, Niharika thought.
Rahul continued. "It's me.I'm the reason they fight. They'd kill each other if they could, Niharika." and he burst into tears. Niharika had never seen anyone so vulnerable, and as much as she wanted to stay with him, the bus had reached her stop. She quickly told him to meet her at Starbucks and left the bus.
*
Rahul reached 5 minutes early, but saw Niharika already sitting there.
"I'd say sorry for being late but I'm actually early so..." Rahul smiled. after ages.
Niharika just smiled back and Rahul continued, "I'm sorry for what happened in the bus."
"That's okay, but what was it about?"
Rahul took a deep breath and decided this was it, "Don't say anything till I say I'm done."
Niharika nodded.
"My parents were in love. They were in college. They had just graduated when I was conceived. My grandmother was torn about it, she never approved of dad anyway. she told her it was a mistake and dad didn't want this either. he wanted to become something first. Both dad and granny wanted my mom to get an abortion, but mom was adamant. Even though dad didn't want this, he asked mom to marry him and took a job near home to be with us.Things went crazy when mom had post pregnancy issues and somewhere along the line, dad started blaming her for all problems. It became too much. He blamed her for everything he had ever given up and mom, no less, started drinking alot and became an alcoholic. They started fighting alot and things got extremely bad. I didn't understand any of it initially but soon i started to. they abused each other and what not. mom even once said that maybe she shouldn't have brought me into this world. about a year back, i attempted suicide. I wrote a letter too, in which i wrote i was sorry i had played such a huge role in this, but i couldn't do it. i was scared. i'm such a coward. mom cries all the time and dad only talks to me when i need to buy something." after a second, he added, "I'm done."
Niharika looked at him, not with pity but as if she understood. Rahul didn't exactly know what was on her mind but he was glad he had told her. he couldn't believe how relieved he felt. He looked at her expectantly, waiting for her to respond.
"Will you share a chocolate muffin with me? i can't have the whole thing."and just like that, that conversation was over.
*
it took everything for Niharika to not cry at that moment. she couldn't believe anyone could be alone and so hurt. she knew he didn't have any other friends, and that is exactly what he needed. he wouldn't have to go through it alone anymore.
"Could you tutor me in Maths? I barely passed in this one. pleasee?" she asked Rahul.
after a second, Rahul replied. "sure."
*
Rahul was in utter confusion. how could she act as if she had heard nothing? he'd ask her himself. after about an hour of studying, he blurted out, "there's nothing you want to say?"
"I'm glad you didn't go through with it. the suicide, i mean. it doesn't make you a coward. it makes you brave."
*
For the next 2 months, they studied together- studied, talked, laughed, even. Niharika sure improved her Maths, and Rahul became happier. They started spending more time together and no matter what happened, once Rahul told about it to Niharika, he'd be okay. She had made him realise that it wasn't his fault, and that he had a choice. She made him realise that the day he decided he wanted to be happy, he would be. Rahul could have a normal life, it was possible for him.
*
Rahul woke upto his mother crying beside him. This was the last straw.
"Mom, why do you drink?"
His mother was speechless, and he continued,
"it isn't going to help, you know? i'm sorry i've caused you so much trouble but it doesn't have to be this way. you and dad don't have to be together if you don't want to be."
His mother was to shocked to respond, and continued sobbing.
That night, he heard a knock on his bedroom's door. it was his dad. Rahul was puzzled, he couldn't remember the last time his dad had tried to talk to him.
"Your mother told me about this morning. I'm sorry, beta." his dad said quietly.
Rahul didn't know how to respond.
"I don't know if I should share all this with you, son, but I don't feel the same way anymore. I've come to regret marrying your mother, and everything I've had to give up. Somewhere, I blame you too, even though I know it's not your fault. I can't help it, I wish I could. We are together only because of you."
"Dad, I appreciate it, but you and mom haven't done me any good by staying together. Mom's always crying. you don't talk to me. Look at us, we are strangers living under the same roof. I hear what you say to each other, and until recently, I cried myself to sleep. I even considered hanging myself from this very fan, too. I'm not complaining but the point is, you can't make others happy if you aren't happy yourself. "
They sat in silence, and Rahul could swear he saw a tear glisten as it streamed down his dad's cheek.
*
"Niharika, let's go for a walk! I don't feel like teaching today, and it's not like you need it anymore either!" Rahul happily chirped, when he met Niharika the next day.
Niharika laughed, "Hi there, someone seems to be very happy."
Rahul narrated last night's incident to Niharika, "...and this morning, they told me they have decided to split up."
"You seem happy about it." Niharika commented.
"Ofcourse, you know how terrible they were together. Hopefully they'll be happy now, and stop blaming each other,and I don't feel guilty anymore either!" he said as he hugged her.
*
It was crazy, how Niharika had fallen for Rahul without even intending to. she was in love with him, she knew that well enough after all this time. she felt happy, happy that he was content.
"Thanks Niharika, for everything. I don't know if I could have survived this without you. " Rahul told her sincerely.
"Anytime, Rahul. What's wrong with you? you don't have to thank me for it!"
"What's wrong with me? what's wrong with you, Niharika? You have to be blind to not see how much I need you and how much I love you."
Somewhere, he had fallen in love with Niharika too.
________
_______
Have you ever wondered if you're alone?
That you're the only person with sorrows and pain? The only person who's ever been hurt? The only one with regrets? When you see people around you laughing and smiling, do you wonder if they have been hurt too? Are they unhappy, but doing a very good job at hiding it? Do they just look happy, but are drowning inside?
*
He heard screams. He heard them everyday, should've been used to by now. Rahul heard his parents fighting over something trivial yet again. He tried so hard, running from it and blocking it all out. He'd lock himself in his room, but no matter what he tried, he couldn't forget.
*
He woke up to his mother sobbing beside him. It was like his own version of a morning alarm.
"Mom, you okay?" he asked her the same question he did everyday.
"I'm sorry I woke you up, I'm okay." the same reply he got everyday.
Rahul's mother left his room for him to get ready for school. Even though he didn't have any friends, he liked school. it was his distraction. he was probably the only one who ever listened in class but studies over shouting and crying, any day. As he sat in his bus, he recalled the events of last night.
'You can't do anything right, can you?' his dad shouted.
'Maybe that's why I married you!' his mother retorted.
'For heaven's sake, Rahul's sleeping in the next room.' his Father reasoned.
'You think he doesn't know? That he can't hear us?' mom said.
'Look, we need to work it out. for his sake.' dad said.
that did it.
'WORK THIS OUT? YOU CHEATED ON ME AND I NEED TO WORK IT OUT? ARE YOU INSANE?'
"Uh excuse me? Mind if I sit here?" A voice broke Rahul's reverie. It was Niharika. She was in his class. They had never talked before, except an occasional 'Can I borrow a pen?' 'Could you pass me that?'. There didn't seem to be another empty seat in the bus and Rahul nodded his head and let her sit.
"Congrats."
"I'm sorry?" Rahul asked, confused.
"Maths UT? You topped again?" Niharika replied, feeling a bit uncomfortable.
"Thanks."
It was nothing new. Rahul always topped in Maths. He didn't have many friends and there wasn't much to do. Studying was a way to pass time.
*
People always talked to Niharika. She was friends with everyone. She tried so hard to make a conversation with the guy sitting next to her but he won't budge. When they reached the school, Niharika was glad that this awkward silence-filled journey was finally over.
*
Rahul had not felt like it at the time, but later felt guilty about not talking properly to Niharika in the bus. After much thought, he thought he'd apologise. He saw her standing alone and called her.
"Niharika! I'm sorry. I mean, I may have come off as rude, I was a bit preoccupied, but I didn't mean to..."
"It's alright, can I ask you something?" Niharika asked. Rahul nodded.
"What were you thinking about? I mean, you were crying. or, I don't know, your eyes were water-y."
how he longed to tell her! His father was cheating on his mother, his mother became an alcoholic. They fought all the time. he believed it was his fault! He wanted to tell her he couldn't take it anymore, the guilt. He wanted to tell her about the suicide note he had once written but couldn't through with it. how it had made him feel like a coward, not being able to do the one thing he could to rid his parents of all their problems.
"Oh nothing, just the chemistry test next week." he said instead.
"Liar." Niharika said, and walked off.
Rahul thought about Niharika. She was the first person who had cared enough to ask. He thought of what he had heard about her, that she was sweet and considerate. He didn't know what had prompted him, but he decided to tell her.
*
Niharika was happily gazing out the window of the schoolbus when Rahul suddenly came upto her.
"I lied." Rahul quickly said.
"I figured."
"You need to promise me you won't tell anyone about it.and the last thing I want is pity, okay? I just need to get it off my chest." Rahul said with a strained expression, as if thinking about it hurt him, Niharika thought.
Rahul continued. "It's me.I'm the reason they fight. They'd kill each other if they could, Niharika." and he burst into tears. Niharika had never seen anyone so vulnerable, and as much as she wanted to stay with him, the bus had reached her stop. She quickly told him to meet her at Starbucks and left the bus.
*
Rahul reached 5 minutes early, but saw Niharika already sitting there.
"I'd say sorry for being late but I'm actually early so..." Rahul smiled. after ages.
Niharika just smiled back and Rahul continued, "I'm sorry for what happened in the bus."
"That's okay, but what was it about?"
Rahul took a deep breath and decided this was it, "Don't say anything till I say I'm done."
Niharika nodded.
"My parents were in love. They were in college. They had just graduated when I was conceived. My grandmother was torn about it, she never approved of dad anyway. she told her it was a mistake and dad didn't want this either. he wanted to become something first. Both dad and granny wanted my mom to get an abortion, but mom was adamant. Even though dad didn't want this, he asked mom to marry him and took a job near home to be with us.Things went crazy when mom had post pregnancy issues and somewhere along the line, dad started blaming her for all problems. It became too much. He blamed her for everything he had ever given up and mom, no less, started drinking alot and became an alcoholic. They started fighting alot and things got extremely bad. I didn't understand any of it initially but soon i started to. they abused each other and what not. mom even once said that maybe she shouldn't have brought me into this world. about a year back, i attempted suicide. I wrote a letter too, in which i wrote i was sorry i had played such a huge role in this, but i couldn't do it. i was scared. i'm such a coward. mom cries all the time and dad only talks to me when i need to buy something." after a second, he added, "I'm done."
Niharika looked at him, not with pity but as if she understood. Rahul didn't exactly know what was on her mind but he was glad he had told her. he couldn't believe how relieved he felt. He looked at her expectantly, waiting for her to respond.
"Will you share a chocolate muffin with me? i can't have the whole thing."and just like that, that conversation was over.
*
it took everything for Niharika to not cry at that moment. she couldn't believe anyone could be alone and so hurt. she knew he didn't have any other friends, and that is exactly what he needed. he wouldn't have to go through it alone anymore.
"Could you tutor me in Maths? I barely passed in this one. pleasee?" she asked Rahul.
after a second, Rahul replied. "sure."
*
Rahul was in utter confusion. how could she act as if she had heard nothing? he'd ask her himself. after about an hour of studying, he blurted out, "there's nothing you want to say?"
"I'm glad you didn't go through with it. the suicide, i mean. it doesn't make you a coward. it makes you brave."
*
For the next 2 months, they studied together- studied, talked, laughed, even. Niharika sure improved her Maths, and Rahul became happier. They started spending more time together and no matter what happened, once Rahul told about it to Niharika, he'd be okay. She had made him realise that it wasn't his fault, and that he had a choice. She made him realise that the day he decided he wanted to be happy, he would be. Rahul could have a normal life, it was possible for him.
*
Rahul woke upto his mother crying beside him. This was the last straw.
"Mom, why do you drink?"
His mother was speechless, and he continued,
"it isn't going to help, you know? i'm sorry i've caused you so much trouble but it doesn't have to be this way. you and dad don't have to be together if you don't want to be."
His mother was to shocked to respond, and continued sobbing.
That night, he heard a knock on his bedroom's door. it was his dad. Rahul was puzzled, he couldn't remember the last time his dad had tried to talk to him.
"Your mother told me about this morning. I'm sorry, beta." his dad said quietly.
Rahul didn't know how to respond.
"I don't know if I should share all this with you, son, but I don't feel the same way anymore. I've come to regret marrying your mother, and everything I've had to give up. Somewhere, I blame you too, even though I know it's not your fault. I can't help it, I wish I could. We are together only because of you."
"Dad, I appreciate it, but you and mom haven't done me any good by staying together. Mom's always crying. you don't talk to me. Look at us, we are strangers living under the same roof. I hear what you say to each other, and until recently, I cried myself to sleep. I even considered hanging myself from this very fan, too. I'm not complaining but the point is, you can't make others happy if you aren't happy yourself. "
They sat in silence, and Rahul could swear he saw a tear glisten as it streamed down his dad's cheek.
*
"Niharika, let's go for a walk! I don't feel like teaching today, and it's not like you need it anymore either!" Rahul happily chirped, when he met Niharika the next day.
Niharika laughed, "Hi there, someone seems to be very happy."
Rahul narrated last night's incident to Niharika, "...and this morning, they told me they have decided to split up."
"You seem happy about it." Niharika commented.
"Ofcourse, you know how terrible they were together. Hopefully they'll be happy now, and stop blaming each other,and I don't feel guilty anymore either!" he said as he hugged her.
*
It was crazy, how Niharika had fallen for Rahul without even intending to. she was in love with him, she knew that well enough after all this time. she felt happy, happy that he was content.
"Thanks Niharika, for everything. I don't know if I could have survived this without you. " Rahul told her sincerely.
"Anytime, Rahul. What's wrong with you? you don't have to thank me for it!"
"What's wrong with me? what's wrong with you, Niharika? You have to be blind to not see how much I need you and how much I love you."
Somewhere, he had fallen in love with Niharika too.
________
